Where am I? What am I doing here? I've been asking myself that a lot lately. But mostly, the one question that has been burning in me is, who am I? I don't know why all of a sudden these thoughts have begun to pop into my head. All I know is that I have only been here for a just over a month and honestly it has to be the icing on the cake for the past 9ish months of my life. As if the past 9ish months haven't already been crazy enough.
Today...well today was a bit rough...but after I realized that God can pull me through anything and that He's always there, I felt a burden lifted. I can only hold my emotions in for so long, sooner or later a tear has to fall. It isn't that it is terrible here, it isn't that I'm sad either. I just think that maybe its a part of growing up and realizing that I can't do everything and that I am only one person. BUT. I also am realizing that all of my frustrations and trials thus far are only self inflicted. I just have to be willing to accept wisdom and understanding from Him and those around me and know that He can bring me through it all.
I love all of the students here. They may have their little quirks and whatnot, some may not listen immediately, but they do have a zest for life that I am slowly recognizing as a type of energy boost for me. The smiles, the tears, the owies and the giggles, all of it is teaching me to look at the little things in life. A word of encouragement or a compliment goes a long way, a wipe of a tear or a little hug can be even more powerful. A little prayer here and there, lets God know that I want that relationship with Him at any point of my day whether it is just waiting inbetween classes or serving lunch, whatever or whenever it is I want Him to know I am thinking of Him throughout my day.
I think today it hit me that my SELF has been quite damaging to the first part of my experience. But, I recognized that letting God be the focal point of my life, of my daily business is only going to help me. I've gotten quite frustrated, I feel drained at times, but I realized that maybe the way I'VE been going about things has been wrong. As a matter of fact, it has.
Thoughts have crossed my mind lately about the past, about the present, and who I am. I am here in Hawaii, in PARADISE. The loving family I have been welcomed with has only made my experience that much more pleasant. Suzi and I go out every weekend to discover new parts of the island and all of God's beautiful creation. From hikes to watching the sunset on the beach, I've realized that my GOD is an awesome God. Not that I never realized that before whether I was in Collegedale or home, but being here has put things into perspective for me in the sense that my eyes are open to all the different things God has placed on this earth from one location to the next. However, being in these beautiful places does not help me to forget reality and what really presses on my mind. I've realized that being here does not make a difference from me being home or at school. Just because I am in PARADISE does not mean that I, Arielle Hall, am in every sense of my being IN PARADISE.
Paradise is in the mind.
I am what I make of this experience.
I am what God makes of me.
I don't want to be what my SELF...my ignorant SELF, makes of me.
God made me.
I need to surrender - to let go to let God be the captain of now, tomorrow, and on.
-Ari